Freshman Year 2006

I wish I could go back to my 18 year old self and slap her. I made the biggest mistake my first year of college and it is now the greatest regret I carry with me.
It was August 24, 2006: my first day at Chestnut Hill College. My parents and big brother had left. I was officially on my own. I went back to Fontbonne and into the room I now shared with a complete stranger. Her name was Tracy. What was I supposed to say to her? What could we possibly have to talk about? Then I blurted out, “I miss my family already.” Tracy looked at me and said, “I miss mine too.” I was instantly relieved! Someone was feeling the same way I was and we could talk about it!
That moment – such a vulnerable, emotional moment – we shared was the gateway into the best friendship of my entire life. Our first days and nights, in room 516, were jam-packed with meeting other freshman, unpacking our lives, and a schedule of ridiculous orientation activities.
I went to sleep that first night crying; I missed my family so very much. Sure, they’re only a half hour away from here, but I wasn’t at home, in my own bed, with my dog taking up all the room. I found out a few weeks later that Tracy did the same. Neither of us knew the other was so upset that first night.
After a series of absurd orientation ice-breakers, games like “Jack-tivities”, and lectures on date-rape and alcohol abuse, I was able to meet some new people and really get to know Tracy. We had a lot of the same tastes in music, movies, and books. But books are what really got us talking; since we’re both English majors, we couldn’t stop talking about books and how we can’t stop reading!
Classes started on Monday morning – an 8 A.M. religion class for me – and I was indescribably scared. I was starting over: brand new school, brand new friends, brand new me. I woke up that morning, put on one of my high school t-shirts (some sense of comfort on a scary day) and a brand new pair of jeans and walked out the door. There were other freshmen, who looked as lost as I felt, but there were also others who looked like they knew exactly what they were doing and they had it all under control; Tracy was one of those who had everything under control. She seemed to know it all: where she was going (on campus and in life) and knew how hard she had to work to get herself there. She told me that she made herself believe she knew what she was doing with her life and that, if she believed hard enough, then it would just all fall into place. Actually, that’s not true, but that is the outlook I perceived from her. She told me later on that she felt the complete opposite of my perception and that she could not have been more scared or lost.
I looked up to Tracy. She was in the same position as me, but she was so far beyond me: she had college credit from high school, she had relationship experience, and even had her driver’s license – all unlike me. I took the easy way out in high school, I had no social life to speak of, and I had to walk everywhere I went. Tracy had everything I ever wanted for myself as a teenager. She knew how to work hard and reap the benefits, while I had yet to learn how to work hard.
Tracy and I fell into an easy pattern within that first week: we were eating every meal together, wanting to watch the same movies, and turn the light out at the same time. She also became my best friend. It was in the dark, lying in our beds, that we had some of the best conversations. We’d recount our emotion-filled days with classes and new professors, swap childhood stories, and plan to go to my house for home-cooked meals and to surround ourselves with a family. We were inseparable, along with her new boyfriend, Tim, who was a sophomore, Matt, a freshman we met in Fontbonne, and Emma, a senior.
The five of us formed the strongest of friendships with each other in such a short time. I was so proud to have four best friends, when in high school I was lucky to have had one girl I could hang out with every now and then. This was all different. I had become a different person than I was in high school. I put myself out there in the social realm, hoping to find one person I could relate to; but, in my own head, I won the friendship lottery. I was so lucky to have met those four and become a member of “The Five.” It wasn’t just me; my Mom was finally off my case about meeting people and branching out (“expanding my social horizons” as she would say). In high school I was the one who went out with my mother on Friday nights, or my brother. My “friends” in high school would always get high before school in the mornings, or drink every weekend. That wasn’t my idea of a fun time; I preferred going to the movies, shopping, and reading; so I stayed home for four years. But during my freshman year at Chestnut Hill that all changed.
I had a great first semester; I was doing well with adjusting to college life. I found a routine with classes and getting my work done and being able to relax on the weekends with my friends. I was sad to say goodbye when it came to winter break. I thought a month without my four best friends was going to be torture. But I had no idea what was going to happen when I got back to room 516 in January.
After four weeks of itching to get back to campus and out of my parents’ house, I was finally back! Anxious to catch up with my friends, I jumped right into telling them how I did almost nothing except count down the days till I saw them again. But when Tracy started her story of break, I could see something had changed in her. She said break was fine, blah, blah, blah. But I knew that “fine” meant she didn’t want to talk about it. So we didn’t press the issue. I was worried about her, having seen her fall into a rough patch once before due to family troubles, and I didn’t want to see it happen again.
I spent weeks trying to help her out of her emotional rut, only to realize I was falling into one myself. She and I both were dealing with not being at home and with our families, as well as the weight of classes, homework, projects, papers, and relationships. Tension started to build up, relationships ended and friendships were about to be tested. It was disheartening. Tracy and I stopped communicating with one another – we stopped talking, stopped sharing our feelings, and stopped asking how the other was handling everything – and it was so uncomfortable to be in our room together. I felt like I was losing friends and clinging to others. I had no idea what to do. One day I came back to Fontbonne, and was presented with the suggestion of switching rooms with another friend in order to relieve the tension in room 516. I felt that this was a great way for me to focus on myself and my school work, as well as a solution to my communication issues with Tracy. I was seriously wrong!
The five of us were no more. Emma and Matt had broken up and the group nearly exiled Matt. Emma and I strengthened our bond of friendship by running away from Tracy and Matt and the rest of our problems by hanging out merely with each other. I realized I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do with moving out of room 516. I was supposed to be fixing things with Tracy, not making them so much worse. So I e-mailed her over Spring Break. I apologized for abandoning her in her emotional time of need, and fully explained my actions. I got no response.
The rest of the semester drudged on full of drama; that useless, annoying, worthless crap. Matt was upset about his break up with Emma and took it out on me for “abandoning Tracy.” Tim was angry with me for “abandoning Tracy,” and never let me forget it. My mom wasn’t exactly happy to hear my news of moving out of 516 either. She questioned my judgment and worthiness of Tracy’s friendship. I knew how badly I screwed up and I tried to fix it, but I failed. Drama: it really does ruin people’s lives. I lost my best friend, my first friend at Chestnut Hill. I drove her away with my own stupidity. I regret this everyday. I went home that summer hating myself and wishing I had done more to solve my problems rather than run away and hide.
I spent most of my sophomore year trying to communicate with Tracy and to begin patching up our friendship. It worked for a little while but I ended up trying to focus on other issues and problems that had entered into my life. I was surrounded by negativity. The problems I was still facing consisted of struggling to do well in classes, maintain any of my original friendships, and counting down the days till I could pack up my life and go home again. Was it the school? Was it the people I was hanging out with? Was it me?
Now, in my junior year, I have learned that the most important thing you need in any kind of relationship is open communication. The word communicate is defined “to transmit (information) by speaking or writing” (Oxford Dictionary). As long as you can talk to one another, then you can be so successful in your relationship. That’s all you need: communication and no drama.